FREE MANAL AND NOUR

Effect of the mother’s absence on her children

Centre for the Treatment and Rehabilitation of Torture Victims.
Interview with Social Worker Dima Altibi

Children whose mothers are imprisoned may suffer from separation anxiety as a result of not understanding why they have been separated from their mothers. The child may believe that he/she treated her badly or that the mother is upset with the child. This anxiety may be expressed in two ways. Firstly, the child feels unsafe and depressed, which exhibits itself in isolation and sleeping disorders..

Secondly, this disorder may become apparent by aggression and excessive anger. For example, the child may break objects in the house while searching for his/her mother. “Where is my mother” the child wonders. “Why has she left me?” These symptoms form an subconscious manifestation of the disorder. The child may believe that the mother is absent because of his/her brothers and sisters. The child may exhibit anger towards himself/herself or siblings, or believe that he/she is at fault or that there is something wrong with the child.

The child’s age is very important. During the first stage, up to 6 years old, the child’s personality develops. Providing the child with basic needs is important and safe relationships are significant. The mother must be available, as the child learns several things through its relationship with the family, the mother and father. Female children forcibly separated from their mothers can suffer from depression. It is crucial that there is someone taking the place of the mother to guide the children during this important stage. The absence of the mother affects the children, as it negatively impacts the child’s progress at school and impedes their articulation. With respect to female children at school stage, there are things which the father can never teach them, particularly with regard to feminine aspects which need to be addressed to the mother.

How can the family make up for the mother’s absence?
How can those present in the house help children? Family support for children can reduce the problems they face. It is important that the father understands their problems, and regularly reminds them of their mother’s love. He also needs to assure the children that he still loves them, allow the children’s minds to remain active and feel hope. The presence of aunts and grandparents positively affects children, as they provide compassion which reminds them of their mother and assures them that family members love them. It is also important that people close to the children understand their situation and pay attention to the problems which arise as early as possible. Teachers also need to understand children who have lost a parent. Such children may be lazy at school or suffer from sleep disorders. Failure in school may be evidence of problems faced by the children. Therefore, teachers must be attentive to the reasons behind the child’s failure and not place pressure on them, but rather refer the children to a counselor. Understanding the child is important.

Contact between the mother and her children outside prison
It is important that the mother stimulates the child’s memory to help remind him/her of the mother’s love for the child and her continued presence. For example, she can write to each child about things which they still remember. “Do you remember when we did that”. She can also remind her children that she is present and did not desert them and that she is not angry at them. At the end of the letter, it is important that she makes them feel secure, and to write “Good bye”, and not “Farewell”; “We will see each other again”. She also needs to revive hope in the children’s’ hearts. During visits, she should always remind them of her love, saying “I love you” and “I miss you” and re-enforce that she is being held against her will.

The case of Nour in prison
An infant who is held in prison is in an unnatural environment, in terms of the existence of natural stimuli which the child needs to learn and in terms of being deprived from the family (mother, father, brothers, and sisters). Nature and the outdoors is limited in the prison, and the child is allowed outside the prison cell for only a few hours. A child learns its perception of life from the people around it and is affected by its surroundings. Children learn a lot by experience. A child prisoner is deprived from learning about family. Therefore, he/she does not know what father or brothers and sisters mean since they do not exist in the prison cell. The child is deprived of other children to play with and compares itself and its size to those around him/her. When it compares its body, the child realizes that its body is small and weak, thereby forming a negative perception of itself. “I am small compared to the others; I am the only one who is like this”. It sees what women around it do and tries to imitate them, affecting the child in the future. When he the child is released, it will foreshadow this experience. Additionally, the child may suffer from learning disorders and a failure to react to certain things. The child also lacks many skills that were not learnt in the prison and which the mother must teach. The mother must also talk to her child about its father, brothers, and sisters and tell it that there are people outside the prison. When the child is released from the prison and moves to an environment completely different from what it has lived in, it will be exposed to many stimuli which are foreign. The mother, while in prison, must talk to the child about things it may see outside. She must also pay attention to the scope of its mind and talk to it about its surroundings and situation.